“No man is an island…, entire of itself; …any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.” – John Donne (1624)
Effectiveness cannot be accomplished as solitaire.
Stephen Covey’s habits 1-3 speak to us as individuals. He asks us to view life proactively, not reactively, or (worse) through a lens of victimhood. He encourages us (a) to discover or (b) to invent (there’s a little of both here) our long-term goals and bring these to a conscious awareness – to the forefront of our minds. He exhorts us to translate those desired ends into concrete steps that will get us there, and give those steps priority amidst the other necessary tasks we face each day (lest desired progress towards our long-term aspirations be stymied by the urgent).
But habits 4-6 take us outside ourselves. They recognize that effectiveness is something achieved in community.
Each of these next three habits has much to teach us. Let’s begin with think win-win. A reminder: LOTRW visited each of these habits in 2012. (You can find the earlier post here.) At that time, Mr. Covey’s website (not his book) had this to say:
“Think Win-Win isn’t about being nice, nor is it a quick-fix technique. It is a character-based code for human interaction and collaboration.
Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing–that is, if I win, you lose; or if you win, I lose. Life becomes a zero-sum game. There is only so much pie to go around, and if you get a big piece, there is less for me; it’s not fair, and I’m going to make sure you don’t get anymore. We all play the game, but how much fun is it really?
Win-win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. We both get to eat the pie, and it tastes pretty darn good!
A person or organization that approaches conflicts with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits:
- Integrity: sticking with your true feelings, values, and commitments
- Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of others
- Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone
Many people think in terms of either/or: either you’re nice or you’re tough. Win-win requires that you be both. It is a balancing act between courage and consideration. To go for win-win, you not only have to be empathic, but you also have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you also have to be brave. To do that–to achieve that balance between courage and consideration–is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win.”
Today, Franklin Covey (Stephen Covey’s son) has it boiled down to another four-quadrant matrix:
Win-lose steamroller_________________________ Win-win partner
Lose-lose saboteur ___________________________Lose-win doormat
7 Habits emphasized the following point. Win-win is not a matter of I-win-this-time and you-win-next-time (then repeat). Stephen Covey emphasized that the goal is both-parties-win-transaction-by-transaction-all-the-time. And it wasn’t a mere goal. He stressed that to be effective, neither party can settle for anything less.
Let that sink in. He didn’t say this, but he could have: For most of us, in most of our dealings with others, we settle for win-some, lose-some. In fact, the place we’re most likely to catch glimpses of this level of win-win is in our marriages – and that’s only in the good marriages. But that simply isn’t good enough. The standard has to extend to our families, our neighbors, our co-workers, the clerk behind the counter, the telemarketer…everyone.
To make a connection to our circumstance in 2025, you might give this 2021 essay by April Lawson a read; it’s entitled Building Trust Across the Political Divide. She starts out this way:
We are arguably living in the most polarized time since the Civil War. And what’s more, the particular variety of polarization that presently plagues our society is an especially nasty one. Two kinds of polarization are spiking: negative polarization—“It’s not that I like my team, I just hate the other team”—and affective polarization—“Not only do I disagree with you, I think you’re a bad person.”
To be Stephen-Covey-level effective in 2025, we have to bring win-win to bear on the most extreme polarization; not just to our relatively comfortable transactions with family and friends, or within our occupational or political tribe.
Bring that level of courage, and that degree of acceptance, and that willingness to find ways to collaborate, across such divides? That may sound impossible. Maybe. But it’s necessary. It’s what’s needed to move beyond merely clinging-on, existing – to satisfying living – on the real world.
We might help the process along with Habit #5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
More on that next time.